The Breakdown

It finally hit me last night... my prozac withdrawal. I had a breakdown. embarrassing and not pretty. Maybe i needed it though.. maybe it was cleansing or something. I feel better this morning... but sleepy. My guess is that I shouldn't have jumped to 3-4 days in between pills abruptly. I should have transitioned to every-other-day first. I was irrationally upset last night. Ugh. I hope that was a one time thing. I just want to be DONE and independent. :(

Kicking the Prozac

SO. SLEEPY.

I am soooo crazy sleepy and completely sapped of energy.

I have found myself to be a little more cranky... irate.. impatient.. PMS-like. But it's minor, and I'm trying to stay positive.

I feel skinnier. I have no clue why!! But I think my appetite has decreased a little. Could be mental, but I'll take that too!

I don't think my personality has changed. Besides the fact that I am too tired to smile today, and I'm talking in slow motion!

You know how it looks when you burn the edges of a piece of paper? The paper is still rectangular and white, but there is this rough brownness that is always there on the edge. That's how my anxiety feels. My life and every day is like a normal white sheet of paper, but there is always that burned spot in the background that sometimes feels like it's going to creep up into the clean white part. I go about my day like normal and sometimes these irrational fears and worries and dread creep in, like a shadow standing right behind my skull. I manage to push them back down though. So far so good. I can feel it, a little more so, but I know that I have nothing to worry about. Nothing is wrong.

I can't wait to kick this. I want to be totally normal and fully-functioning! I have been utterly fatigued for 9 months. I am ready to be alive again.

Medication is such a huge undertaking. I definitely needed it at the time. (God, now I don't even want to remember or think about those times.) I think I made the right choice in getting on it. But WOW, is it hard to get on and off of!

Seborrheic Dermatitis & ACV

I forgot to mention something very wonderful!

Apple cider vinegar has CURED my itchy, crusty, bloody, flaky scalp!

What I do:
1. Put a solution of half ACV/half water into a spray bottle.
2. Spray all over my scalp and rub it in.
3. Wrap my hair up and let it sit for 15-30 minutes.
4. Wash it out & blow dry my hair.

The first time, I used pure ACV and did not wrap my head. I got extremely nauseous and decided not to do it anymore.

But something made me want to try it again. I did it right that time, and after a few rounds, I'm NORMAL!!!!! It's so exciting! :)

I would definitely recommend trying this. It smells of course, but after a while you learn to love it because it's the smell of relief.

__________________________

On another note, I'm tapering off the Prozac. So far, I'm fine! I do have a cold so I'm super groggy though. I'm really looking forward to being "clean".

Prozac Mysteries

I've tried to do some research, since I've been on Prozac, and there is SO much conflicting information. How the heck do I know what is true?

People say, getting off Prozac can be really hard, it is very dangerous to try to get off it yourself, it should be a long weaning-off process. My doctor says, "Eh, you can just stop taking it cold turkey. Most people don't notice a difference."

People say, Prozac slows down your metabolism, and though short-term testing did not indicate weight gain, over the long term, weight gain is very likely. My doctor gives me a weird look and says, "Have you been watching your weight?"

People say they sleep their life away on Prozac. My doctor says, "Well, just take it at night then."

If this has been an extremely popular drug for 20 years or something, how come there aren't rock solid facts?

All I know is, I'm on the road to a Prozac-free life now, and I'm gonna be AWAKE, SKINNY, HORNY, and STILL HAPPY.

Speaking of skinny, I'm trying to count my calories. They say that a sedentary lifestyle (desk job) like mine uses about 1,630 calories a day. I'm trying to keep it at that limit, and add on exercise. Summer is coming, with a beach trip.

Here is my confession. I'm a normally thin person. 5'6 with a normal weight of 115-120. I got on the scale at the doctor yesterday and my weight is 139.8. What. the. heck. This is my absolute heaviest and largest I've ever been. I know you're probably saying "oh wow poor you, 139 pounds." But it's all relative. When I'm 20 pounds heavier than I'm used to, and my clothes don't fit, and I look in the mirror and see a different body, it's still just as bad. It's hard to deal with. WHY DO I CARE ANYWAY?

Honestly, sometimes I wish I was young and depressed enough to be anorexic. I was great at it in high school, barely eating and getting down to 108 pounds.

How can I fix this? Where's my self control? AAAHHHH. Typical girl blog.

Prozac Life

Sorry, it's been a while.

I am extremely excited and nervous today. I have been on Prozac for 9 months (lexapro for another 6 before that). This afternoon, I go to my doctor to begin my journey getting OFF of it.

Why am I getting off?
1. Side effects are becoming too much to bear. I've gained 25 pounds. I don't ever feel "sexy" or "in the mood". I am SO SLEEPY. ALL THE TIME.
2. I'm in a good place now. My jobs are going great, my husband and I are great, I have friends, I have a house, a car, and no debt. I'm no longer being abused and I feel like life has finally become what it's supposed to be.

Why am I scared?
1. Prozac has almost made made me into a manically cheerful and silly person in the last few months. It's really helped me socially. I'm afraid my personality will change.
2. I'm scared I won't lose this weight because the prozac has messed up my metabolism permanently.
3. I'm scared that I'll be scared again. Scared all the time (anxiety coming back).
4. I'm scared I will no longer see through the rose-colored glasses and see life as pointless again.

BUT DAMN! SUMMER IS COMING UP AND I CAN'T BE THIS FAT! My clothes don't fit me anymore. My work pants, and one pair of jeans. That's all.

But I need to take this step for myself. Of course I have reservations, but I have come SUCH a long way. I'm hoping that regardless of medication, I have really grown and matured as a person. And that I'm now ready to "spread my wings and fly" or some other nice cliche.

Walking Works!!!

I saw "Walking Works" on the front of a magazine, referring to losing weight. I will confirm that by saying YES, it does work! I am proof! I lost 20 pounds over a few months by walking on my lunch break to de-monotonize my desk job life. 

After stopping, I gained that 20 pounds back though. 

So now I am sticking to my guns and walking on lunch, and working out after work! 

Can you believe how self conscious girls are of their bodies? It's horrible. The female body is an object that is supposed to be a reflection of yourself. But damn! All we can do is obsess about it 24/7. Worry, worry, worry. Not good enough, not good enough. Everyone will look at me and be able to tell I can't control myself when cookie dough is within reach. Everyone will look at me and be able to tell that I eat candy every day. Everyone will look at me and be able to tell that I have a nightcap every evening.

It's wrong that we have to see ourselves this way. It's wrong that to look good we are fighting a constant battle.

What do I want? Well I'm on the stupid wagon too. I want to look good. I want to fit back into my GOSHDERN pants! I have a beach trip coming up with guys and their hot girlfriends/wives and I do not want to be the chunky, misshapen uggo along for the ride. But why? Why are we ever ashamed? I can't help that I have a big butt and small boobs. Why should I try to hide and mask that? I can't help that I have a round face and naturally chubby cheeks. UGH INTERNAL CONFLICT. 

Well, regardless, it is healthy to exercise and eat less junk. So I am doing that for my health, and welcoming any improvements that brings to the vessel I was given. 

Hippie Stuff

So I've been trying a few new things lately that I just have to gush about!

First of all, yeah I almost fell out of the blog thing again because of Xmas break and all that. But I'm back!

-Thing #1: I made my own facial toner. Ever since I was 14 I've been using the BeautiControl skincare system. Don't get me wrong, I love BeautiControl! I really do! I will probably always be addicted to their oil-free facial moisturizer. But pay $20 per bottle for every product is well... kinda high now that I'm paying for it myself. (cleanser, scrub, toner, moisturizer)
SO. I googled it, (I feel awful now for not knowing what blog I took this from) and made my own toner!
It has green tea, lemon, honey, and tea tree oil. I think it is seriously magical! This is gonna rock.

My skin, no edit:

- Thing #2: Oil pulling. It sounds really gross. But every morning I swish coconut oil in my mouth for like 15 minutes. It's supposed to have great short term and long term effects on your body. Killing bacteria in your mouth, freshening breath, body detox, etc. So far so good. I'm gonna stick with it. I don't want any more cavities. Hopefully this will help :)

- Thing #3: Coconut oil treatments on my scalp. I have a SUPER messed up scalp. Like, scratch till it bleeds, dandruff to the extreme, it's snowing crystals off my head, I can't enjoy my day because my head is so itchy and burning. So I've started rubbing a mixture of coconut oil and tea tree oil on my scalp at night, letting it set, and then washing it out. I have to say I think it's helping. Not perfect yet, but definitely helping.

- Thing #4: Lemon water in the morning! There were a few reasons I wanted to start this. Cleanses your aura, helps aid in weight loss, digestion, vitamin C, hydration, etc. I'm loving that. I just squeeze half a lemon into my water, and suck it through a straw.

When I look at this list I seem like a total hippie. But I feel really accomplished!