big red

Big Red chewing gum tastes like my childhood.

My dad would chew it, and when we'd ride in his company truck, sometimes he'd give us a piece. his truck was big and white and cold and there was mud all over the floor. it would rattle when we rode and there was a car phone in there. sometimes he would let us push one button on the car phone.

the windows would roll up and down manually with a crank. i always thought that was so fun.

the internet is stupid

what am i doing? why am i here? i'm so oversaturated... my mind is filled with hundreds of images and words seen on a lit screen while sitting on my ass. it's making me sick. it's influencing me. it's making me weak. why do we all put so much into this? it's our own hyperreality. it's so fake. why do we care what everyone in internet world thinks of us? why are we so hungry for likes and friends and followers? why do i feel the need to post my milestones and heartaches on something as frivolous as  facebook? it's teaching us all to be egotistical. we are all starving for attention. why can't we just be at peace with ourselves? why can't we just TALK to each other? why can't we embrace real life instead of trying to make everything seem so picturesque through a happy little screen?

i was thinking.. i am really upset that one of my favorite bands just broke up. i was going to post about it. but wtf. why? it won't change a thing. in addition, no one in my internet circle cares. plus, why should i post my inner feelings in a virtual public place?

i feel like i havent been living life. like, i need to go outside. read a book. write in an old fashioned journal.

i used to write. i used to be filled with ideas all the time. i used to run around barefoot with no makeup on in clothes that didn't match, and follow the creek as far as i could. i used to have an imagination. and knowledge.

what did i want to be back then? i don't remember

repulsed

Concert Memories: Type O Negative Dead Again World Tour 2007

I figured I would start sharing some of my most cherished memories. I will start with what I consider my FIRST concert.

I fell in love with Type O Negative in 9th grade, when I heard "My Girlfriend's Girlfriend" and "Love You to Death". Then I borrowed the album "World Coming Down" from  classmate, and BOOM. No going back. I would Stay Negative forever.

My freshman year of college, after the release of "Dead Again", I discovered that Type O Negative was touring and would be coming our way (a venue the next state over). My parents were incredibly strict and I was still under their command at this time in my life. The problem was that the concert was happening after the semester was over, so I would be back home for the summer, making sneaking off impossible.


My mom was all about "the secret" and manifesting your desires by concentrating on them. So, I printed out the concert info and taped it to my computer where I looked at it and thought about it every single day. I talked to my parents about it all the time. So did my sister.

Finally, one random day, one random moment, my dad said, "I'll take you." The metal gods smiled upon me.

My dad is an experienced concert-goer (rock, blues, bluegrass, everything in between). So thankfully he knew what to expect. I said, "Now Dad, they might say some bad words, I just wanted you to know." etc.

My dad took us to the city and got a hotel for me, him, and my sister.

When it was time, we got to the venue and waited in this incredible line of people. There were some middle aged redneck metal heads in front of us. They were awesome! There were people saying this was their 7th time to see Type O, etc. I was in awe. Metal shows are always a great place to see fashion, unique people, and an array of band shirts revealing others' musical tastes. This was a wonderful first experience of these things.

Anyway, in we go. Brand New Sin (whatever) and Celtic Frost opened. Needless to say, Celtic Frost was beyond magnificent and it was obvious they were veterans of their craft. Their stage presence was subliminally overpowering. Magic I felt to my core.

BUT, my anticipation was primarily invested in Type O Negative. The thrill of seeing and hearing Peter Steele in person. (I know, I know, vocalists get all the attention.) In the middle of Celtic Frost's set, Johnny and Kenny of Type O ran onto stage, screamed a few lyrics into the mic, and scampered off. I couldn't believe my eyes. I couldn't control my pounding heart. I was the most fortunate girl in the world.

Finally, it was time.You probably know that moment. That stretch of time where you're convinced it's taken the band 3 hours to set up. Should you sit down to conserve your energy? Should you go to the bathroom? No - what if they start while you're gone! We should move to the front... no, we'll get overheated before the band starts, then we'll get trampled. Anyway, despite the wait, the energy of the crowd remained very focused. Pantera was playing over the sound system, and everyone sang along.

Slowly, out came the Type O drum set. The "BOO" and "YOU SUCK" prompter signs. The green stage lights. And soon, out stepped the band.

I was screaming, weak, adrenaline surging, so much boundless bliss. All of the classics and favorites were played. It was everything I could have wanted.

I still get excited just thinking about it.

We told my dad, "Don't worry, there won't be a moshpit."

Ooops, we were wrong. Incidentally, my dad, my sister, and me were on what I call the "outer layer" of the mosh area. We were the first non-moshers, framing the pit. I thought it was exciting, and my dad handled himself quite well. One foot forward, one foot behind, elbow out, fist in hand. There was this one guy in the crowd, he was enormous. He was serious about seeing this show, so when a drunkie was actin-a-fool, this big guy pointed at the drunkie, a stern look on his face, and slowly shook his head from side to side. It was hilarious AND effective.

I got a beer spilled on me. Smoke in my eyes. My ears felt like they were bleeding. Headache. It was all SOOO worth it.

Of course we all know that there won't be any more Type O Negative shows. This is one of my most cherished memories, and I feel so lucky that I was able to see them live. I'm still as Negative as ever, and I am getting my FIRST tattoo next week - the Type O logo.

The Breakdown

It finally hit me last night... my prozac withdrawal. I had a breakdown. embarrassing and not pretty. Maybe i needed it though.. maybe it was cleansing or something. I feel better this morning... but sleepy. My guess is that I shouldn't have jumped to 3-4 days in between pills abruptly. I should have transitioned to every-other-day first. I was irrationally upset last night. Ugh. I hope that was a one time thing. I just want to be DONE and independent. :(

Kicking the Prozac

SO. SLEEPY.

I am soooo crazy sleepy and completely sapped of energy.

I have found myself to be a little more cranky... irate.. impatient.. PMS-like. But it's minor, and I'm trying to stay positive.

I feel skinnier. I have no clue why!! But I think my appetite has decreased a little. Could be mental, but I'll take that too!

I don't think my personality has changed. Besides the fact that I am too tired to smile today, and I'm talking in slow motion!

You know how it looks when you burn the edges of a piece of paper? The paper is still rectangular and white, but there is this rough brownness that is always there on the edge. That's how my anxiety feels. My life and every day is like a normal white sheet of paper, but there is always that burned spot in the background that sometimes feels like it's going to creep up into the clean white part. I go about my day like normal and sometimes these irrational fears and worries and dread creep in, like a shadow standing right behind my skull. I manage to push them back down though. So far so good. I can feel it, a little more so, but I know that I have nothing to worry about. Nothing is wrong.

I can't wait to kick this. I want to be totally normal and fully-functioning! I have been utterly fatigued for 9 months. I am ready to be alive again.

Medication is such a huge undertaking. I definitely needed it at the time. (God, now I don't even want to remember or think about those times.) I think I made the right choice in getting on it. But WOW, is it hard to get on and off of!

Seborrheic Dermatitis & ACV

I forgot to mention something very wonderful!

Apple cider vinegar has CURED my itchy, crusty, bloody, flaky scalp!

What I do:
1. Put a solution of half ACV/half water into a spray bottle.
2. Spray all over my scalp and rub it in.
3. Wrap my hair up and let it sit for 15-30 minutes.
4. Wash it out & blow dry my hair.

The first time, I used pure ACV and did not wrap my head. I got extremely nauseous and decided not to do it anymore.

But something made me want to try it again. I did it right that time, and after a few rounds, I'm NORMAL!!!!! It's so exciting! :)

I would definitely recommend trying this. It smells of course, but after a while you learn to love it because it's the smell of relief.

__________________________

On another note, I'm tapering off the Prozac. So far, I'm fine! I do have a cold so I'm super groggy though. I'm really looking forward to being "clean".

Prozac Mysteries

I've tried to do some research, since I've been on Prozac, and there is SO much conflicting information. How the heck do I know what is true?

People say, getting off Prozac can be really hard, it is very dangerous to try to get off it yourself, it should be a long weaning-off process. My doctor says, "Eh, you can just stop taking it cold turkey. Most people don't notice a difference."

People say, Prozac slows down your metabolism, and though short-term testing did not indicate weight gain, over the long term, weight gain is very likely. My doctor gives me a weird look and says, "Have you been watching your weight?"

People say they sleep their life away on Prozac. My doctor says, "Well, just take it at night then."

If this has been an extremely popular drug for 20 years or something, how come there aren't rock solid facts?

All I know is, I'm on the road to a Prozac-free life now, and I'm gonna be AWAKE, SKINNY, HORNY, and STILL HAPPY.

Speaking of skinny, I'm trying to count my calories. They say that a sedentary lifestyle (desk job) like mine uses about 1,630 calories a day. I'm trying to keep it at that limit, and add on exercise. Summer is coming, with a beach trip.

Here is my confession. I'm a normally thin person. 5'6 with a normal weight of 115-120. I got on the scale at the doctor yesterday and my weight is 139.8. What. the. heck. This is my absolute heaviest and largest I've ever been. I know you're probably saying "oh wow poor you, 139 pounds." But it's all relative. When I'm 20 pounds heavier than I'm used to, and my clothes don't fit, and I look in the mirror and see a different body, it's still just as bad. It's hard to deal with. WHY DO I CARE ANYWAY?

Honestly, sometimes I wish I was young and depressed enough to be anorexic. I was great at it in high school, barely eating and getting down to 108 pounds.

How can I fix this? Where's my self control? AAAHHHH. Typical girl blog.

Prozac Life

Sorry, it's been a while.

I am extremely excited and nervous today. I have been on Prozac for 9 months (lexapro for another 6 before that). This afternoon, I go to my doctor to begin my journey getting OFF of it.

Why am I getting off?
1. Side effects are becoming too much to bear. I've gained 25 pounds. I don't ever feel "sexy" or "in the mood". I am SO SLEEPY. ALL THE TIME.
2. I'm in a good place now. My jobs are going great, my husband and I are great, I have friends, I have a house, a car, and no debt. I'm no longer being abused and I feel like life has finally become what it's supposed to be.

Why am I scared?
1. Prozac has almost made made me into a manically cheerful and silly person in the last few months. It's really helped me socially. I'm afraid my personality will change.
2. I'm scared I won't lose this weight because the prozac has messed up my metabolism permanently.
3. I'm scared that I'll be scared again. Scared all the time (anxiety coming back).
4. I'm scared I will no longer see through the rose-colored glasses and see life as pointless again.

BUT DAMN! SUMMER IS COMING UP AND I CAN'T BE THIS FAT! My clothes don't fit me anymore. My work pants, and one pair of jeans. That's all.

But I need to take this step for myself. Of course I have reservations, but I have come SUCH a long way. I'm hoping that regardless of medication, I have really grown and matured as a person. And that I'm now ready to "spread my wings and fly" or some other nice cliche.

Walking Works!!!

I saw "Walking Works" on the front of a magazine, referring to losing weight. I will confirm that by saying YES, it does work! I am proof! I lost 20 pounds over a few months by walking on my lunch break to de-monotonize my desk job life. 

After stopping, I gained that 20 pounds back though. 

So now I am sticking to my guns and walking on lunch, and working out after work! 

Can you believe how self conscious girls are of their bodies? It's horrible. The female body is an object that is supposed to be a reflection of yourself. But damn! All we can do is obsess about it 24/7. Worry, worry, worry. Not good enough, not good enough. Everyone will look at me and be able to tell I can't control myself when cookie dough is within reach. Everyone will look at me and be able to tell that I eat candy every day. Everyone will look at me and be able to tell that I have a nightcap every evening.

It's wrong that we have to see ourselves this way. It's wrong that to look good we are fighting a constant battle.

What do I want? Well I'm on the stupid wagon too. I want to look good. I want to fit back into my GOSHDERN pants! I have a beach trip coming up with guys and their hot girlfriends/wives and I do not want to be the chunky, misshapen uggo along for the ride. But why? Why are we ever ashamed? I can't help that I have a big butt and small boobs. Why should I try to hide and mask that? I can't help that I have a round face and naturally chubby cheeks. UGH INTERNAL CONFLICT. 

Well, regardless, it is healthy to exercise and eat less junk. So I am doing that for my health, and welcoming any improvements that brings to the vessel I was given. 

Hippie Stuff

So I've been trying a few new things lately that I just have to gush about!

First of all, yeah I almost fell out of the blog thing again because of Xmas break and all that. But I'm back!

-Thing #1: I made my own facial toner. Ever since I was 14 I've been using the BeautiControl skincare system. Don't get me wrong, I love BeautiControl! I really do! I will probably always be addicted to their oil-free facial moisturizer. But pay $20 per bottle for every product is well... kinda high now that I'm paying for it myself. (cleanser, scrub, toner, moisturizer)
SO. I googled it, (I feel awful now for not knowing what blog I took this from) and made my own toner!
It has green tea, lemon, honey, and tea tree oil. I think it is seriously magical! This is gonna rock.

My skin, no edit:

- Thing #2: Oil pulling. It sounds really gross. But every morning I swish coconut oil in my mouth for like 15 minutes. It's supposed to have great short term and long term effects on your body. Killing bacteria in your mouth, freshening breath, body detox, etc. So far so good. I'm gonna stick with it. I don't want any more cavities. Hopefully this will help :)

- Thing #3: Coconut oil treatments on my scalp. I have a SUPER messed up scalp. Like, scratch till it bleeds, dandruff to the extreme, it's snowing crystals off my head, I can't enjoy my day because my head is so itchy and burning. So I've started rubbing a mixture of coconut oil and tea tree oil on my scalp at night, letting it set, and then washing it out. I have to say I think it's helping. Not perfect yet, but definitely helping.

- Thing #4: Lemon water in the morning! There were a few reasons I wanted to start this. Cleanses your aura, helps aid in weight loss, digestion, vitamin C, hydration, etc. I'm loving that. I just squeeze half a lemon into my water, and suck it through a straw.

When I look at this list I seem like a total hippie. But I feel really accomplished!