The Darkness

I've always been attracted to all things dark. It's funny because I'm actually a very nice and kind person.
First of all, one of my biggest passions is metal. Black, death, doom, power, basically all of it. Not that I want to try and identify everything in its sub sub genre - whatever. I listen every day. All metal is not "dark" by any means, but the more sinister, the better for me. There is something so honest about pure negative feelings. Sweet unrestrained evil. Inhuman screams uttering all the things you're afraid to say or hear. People so often try to ignore or suppress their dark side, their sorrow, their anger, but within metal, it is unleashed. I think it is okay to acknowledge the darkness in you. You can't deny all the tragedy and hatred in the world. In a way it makes certain parts of life even more beautiful. The thing is, we live in this universe that balances on duality. We need dark and light. I think I get a good helping of both. And you know what?? You can't take life too seriously. You have to have a sense of humor. I think that is what also allows me to take in the world as it really is --- MESSED UP.

What else do we have? Demons!!! Let me preface this by saying I don't have any particular religious beliefs. But I'm pretty sure there are "evil spirits" out there with a lot of power. However I'm not sure why they make me so excited. Probably simply because they know the answers to what lie beyond this life. Also because they don't give a F*** and I think that's awesome.

On the same note, all things paranormal and supernatural.... I am basically obsessed with. Ghosts, demons, aliens, bigfoot, werewolves, etc. Again, because I see all of these things as a window to the answers we are all really wanting - what lies beyond?

AND my real dream is to one day be a mortician - specifically, an embalmer. Okay maybe I'm ridiculously messed up. But I think I can handle being around death. I also believe I can keep my cool and exude comfort to those affected by it. Plus, on the scientific side, I get to prepare dead bodies, perform procedures, and unlike a doctor, I won't have to worry about making a mistake and killing someone. (ha!) From the artistic side, I get to do reconstruction and makeup. That is also super awesome. It's extremely hard to get into this line of work without connections in the state I am in, but fingers crossed for someday.

Relapse // and Japan.

Okay so I quit that detox thing. OMG it was super hard! I would like to think I am a person with self control but.... eff that thing. The straw that broke the camel's back, however, was probably the fact that I put cajun seasoning (by accident) in my dinner smoothie instead of cayenne pepper. AND I ACTUALLY DRANK LIKE HALF OF IT! Geez. So now I'm back to coffee and grains and dairy life.

STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS.......

Let's move on so I can just talk about myself and my weirdness to try to express myself through words so that one day internet strangers can understand me as a person.

I love Japan! Japanese fashion, culture, language, anime, video games, Rilakkuma, I love it all.

Final Fantasy has basically formed the basis of my life and my perception of existence. That's like all I ever play. And yeah, I've tried the newer ones but I keep playing 7, 8, 9 over and over. I do like 10 as well though. 7 is the best thing in the world. All I will ever need is my PSX. If I was that kind of person I would cover my whole body with FF tattoos. I've been obsessed since I was 12. So... 13 years. wow.

In that same branch of my tree -- my husband surprised me with the first half of the Deathnote series on DVD! We freaking LOVE Deathnote. It's like the first anime he's truly been into, so it's great that we can watch it together. The whole thing is just a giant mindf***. I feel like I become smarter just by watching it. It's something we can look forward to watching together on the edge of our seats each night.
I have to give him some more credit, though. He did watch all of Chobits with me, and actually pay attention, and laugh. Sweet husby <3

I want to go to Japan. Or live there!! Big cities absolutely freak me out, here in the US at least... but for some reason Tokyo seems perfect in my eyes.

I think I need to get my own savings account.... So I can save up to go there. I hope that doesn't seem like there's a divide between my husband and me, but we both want very different things. How can we be fair if we don't divide the money?

For real this time.

Okay. Life is back in order, I have a great office job which will allow me to do this for real. We will just see where this goes. Maybe I will get a theme eventually.

Actually, today I started Dr. Oz's 3-day Detox Cleanse. I'm pretty sure I desperately need it for several reasons. I looked at several options, and decided the smoothie thing would taste the best for me. I am 3 hours in and doing fine so far.

In October I quit my job. I was a victim of verbal and psychological abuse for a year and a half (courtesy of my ex-boss). To quit was extremely liberating. I left my boss a letter telling him all the things he should probably stop doing if he wants to improve retention in his company. I finally felt like I had a voice. And strength to stand up for myself. (It was a small privately-owned business. HR was the boss's wife. To report him to someone on the outside might cause everyone to lose their job. Trust me, I considered the options. Actually my family says I should have called the police a time or two, but sometimes, all you can do is save yourself.)

I have a NEW job. Now, life is awesome! I am even going to get off the prozac early next year. It has been great but it makes me SOOOO SLEEPY. ugh.

So, on another note...... I'm WAY into all things paranormal. This week I've been reading about children who have "imaginary friends", who talk about their past lives, and have other psychic experiences. It's tripping me out. I think I definitely believe in psychic powers and spirits. I'm really excited to think that reincarnation is real and death is not bad and that all our souls are connected and will return to the lifestream one day. (FF reference, sorry.) I am very enlightened this morning.

Unfortunately I have no psychic abilities. My husband Zell has some psychic strengths for sure. Although, maybe it's for the better.

More rambles to come.